September 25th to October 1st, 2016

I’ve been really drawn to the word “scaffolding”. Every morning, I stretch and meditate (because to not do so would be to throw myself mind and body to my anxiety), and I, like most writers, incessantly chatter to myself. As of late, I have been reminding myself that when I wake up, I’m largely raw materials until I put myself together.

I mention this because I’ve been recently reminded that I create, craft, and implement my various routines and systems because I need them. I ended my tenure at the Literary Omnivore because that was a system I was having a lot of trouble understanding I no longer needed, but the flip side of that is that most of the systems in place work, often to the point that I feel like they’re not there and hard-won. It’s a very hard thing to assert and stand up for, even to myself: people want to describe themselves as fun and spontaneous, not high maintenance and fussy.

But it’s also easy to feel like I’ve failed if I miss a single step. (The binary logic that serves me so well in other areas of my life fails me here.) I was very tempted to simply not post this post and pick up next week, as if nothing had happened. But it’s important to me to have a weekly post here, so here we are. Falling down is only a problem if you stay on the ground, and so I struggle along. I often end up finding it takes less effort than I thought to stay on track; it’s just that first step of recovery that feels enormous.

I’ve also not posted because I didn’t consume terribly much of anything I want to comment on. We’re in the lull between summer blockbusters and prestige season; my reading is more self-help-focused at the moment; and last week was rough in a very time-consuming fashion, although things have stabilized. Such is life.

I did watch the first season of Transparent on Friday and Saturday, and have gotten far enough into the second season to lie awake wondering what Josh is going to do next.

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2 thoughts on “September 25th to October 1st, 2016”

  1. Much hugs for you, lovely lady. I’m glad you’re finding a way of life that works for you, even if it’s tough sometimes. I’m in your corner, for whatever that’s worth — I know how hard it can be to find just the right balance with anxiety/depression.

    Like

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